Wednesday, February 11, 2015

All My Sins Are Blotted Out Now

I'm burning from the inside
What a delicate state I'm in
Tell me now and tell me quick
Am I going to make it?

Please whisper in my ear, tell me all the things I want to hear
All my sins are blotted out now
buried in the depths of the deepest sea

I'm falling in slow motion
The regret is sinking in
I don't know if I can take it
I don't know if I'm strong enough

No matter how hard I try
No matter how loud I shout
All my sings are blotted out now
All my sins are blotted out

If this is it
I want it, if this is it
whatever it is
please whisper in my ear
I will always love you

Wil you stay, will you stay, will you stay?
Even if I can't come unstung
Will you stay, will you stay
will you stay 'til you know it's done?

Please whisper in my ear, tell me all the things I want to hear
All my sins are blotted out now
buried in the depths of the deepest sea

If this is it
I want it, if this is it
whatever it is
please whisper in my ear
I will always love you

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Love is Witchcraft

I said your name aloud again by mistake today. When the phone rang I thought…it must be you. I lost my balance. I fell and scraped my knee and there it was. 

I’ve misplaced my keys again. I wanted to tell you. It’s like something is out of place but nothing has changed.

I am still yours.

The corners of the envelope were frayed and worn thin from the years of constant removal and replacement. I tucked the letter back inside of my pocket, compulsively checking to see that it was still there every three minutes or so. I liked to think of the words, close to my skin. I’m a lot more sensitive than I appear, it's true. No one notices that. I just don’t feel comfortable talking to people. Saying things out loud can be a mistake. Believe me. I’ve been told that I appear very stern. That when I do speak I come off like an asshole. Mostly though it’s just voices in my head.

I waited my turn and continued down the queue. My dry, skinny fingers tucked the ticket stub in tight, next to the letter. I like to keep these things. The fabric was torn on the aisle seat. Only a small tear, but still. I chose the second seat and repeated my mantra as the others filed by. No one knows how to be quiet anymore. Or polite. People just think of themselves. They don’t stop to consider how other people feel. They never think about how their actions and words might hurt other people.

“Excuse me. Is this seat taken?”
“I hate to be a bother but I think you are in my seat. 13 B.”
“I’ll just sit here then. This looks fine.”

I always thought that we would just continue on the way that they were. When I think about it now, when I think about you, I wish… I just wish you had felt this way. Forever. You wouldn’t talk about it and I’ve often tried to remember the exact moment in time when it all changed. It’s hard to put a finger on it. It was like a dream. Though I can remember every detail of that day in October. Your memory will not fade. And my feelings remain unchanged.

“I’m a reader. Books. Books and stories.That’s what gets me going.”
“Did you bring anything to read. I always bring a good book. Usually something I’ve read before. But there’s comfort in that. Like an old friend. Someone who knows you.”
“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. I don’t mind. I’ll just read my book.”
“Oh! There go the engines! How exciting.”

My hands were cold and I began to fumble. I looked away, deciding which way to lace my fingers. Trying to hold a discernible gaze out the window. 
“Excitement is just the beginning of fear.”

“Goodness, that sounds severe. But it does give me a chill. A rush. Not in a bad way though. Like a fever you haven’t felt in ages. A new adventure every time! I remember that thrill from when I was younger. The feeling of taking off is much like the feeling of falling in love. That was always grand.”

The awkwardness of fingers. We began to roll. There was a tall, rusted chain-link fence in the distance. It seemed to go on forever. The grass.

“Mind you, I have been bitten by that snake before. Oh yes. I am not immune to the venom and intoxication of love. Of course now, when it grows too cold, you just put on your coat and walk away. But I was never afraid of love. Never.”

I shifted in my seat, attempting to conceal any movement or betray any sign of involvement as my index finger snuck inside my pocket.  Rubbed the folded corner. The rumble grew louder.
“Love is witchcraft.”

“Witchcraft? Are you sure that’s what you meant to say? I’ve read about that in books. Spells and potions and other sneaky things. Oh, I think love is brighter than that. Like making a wish. Like when you read a really great book and you wish that the author would just keep the story going. But the books all end. They do. When you're in it, it's like a dream. You go the distance, cover to cover, but you always wake up right back where you started. Granted, you've changed some for the reading. Become something more, something has filled you up inside. In a place you never knew was even there. It can be deep. Intimate. A metamorphosis."

I ignored the impulse to stand up, excuse myself and move down the isle. Find another seat. I turned my head and stared at the floor. Closed my eyes, concentrated on my breathing. Distant memories closing in. 

"Love is like that. It's worth the pain. Not always of course. You understand. But sometimes, the good ones, they leave you with a yearning and a sadness, but at the same time a satisfaction. You have changed. A part of you has been forever changed, even if only just the smallest part."

The engines roared. I waited for the lift.  

"Oh, I can remember… well. It’s not a thing to talk about. Much like a wish in that respect, I guess. But just to have been in love. What a thing it can be. It can stay with you forever! They say that if you tell a wish it will never come true. I don’t think wishes work like that. But that’s why people write books, I suppose.”

Feeling gravity's pull.

I'm obsessed with the feeling of taking off. The speed and the shaking. Fingers in pockets, eyes closed. Years have passed and yet there are things I cannot forget. That's why I've kept your letter. I could never destroy it. Or set it aside and pretend it had not existed. I am somehow captured by it. Frozen in a magical web. No one ever needs to read it but me. It's simply the thought of you. And I am powerless.

You are a spell. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Wasted On You

You're coming around now saying sorry
Saying my name like you still want me
(well) I might be rough on the tongue
 But I'll be second to none
It doesn't matter now even if you're sorry

You walked away like all the lovers do
And every word I said was just
Wasted on you

It's mostly in the morning when I miss you
But also at night, I can't seem to get you off of my mind
(well) I'm only saying this because it's true, I still want to be with you
You mean the world to me
And baby, I'm sorry

It doesn't matter if I stay away
I wake up every day still
Wasted on you

I want you now
I need you now
Like I never did before I never did before

I heard you're dragging chains, you say you can't forget me
It's like white hot and wasted was all you ever wanted to be
(well) I never had a lover quite like you
Who made me feel the way that you do
Sometimes these things just don't work out the way you want them to

I'm only saying this because it's true
I will always be wasted on you
Wasted on you

Monday, July 14, 2014

Holy Ghost Letter

Your Kingdom's coming down,
your Love has asked around
I'm coming with you,
we'll sway to the sound of an empty heart

I'll destroy you
and you will destroy me too
We're lost and loaded, let's all
go to Hell and sit by the window

Eating bitter still,
I woke up chasing smoke
I want to catch and hold
but I settled in
I'm much too slow

I'm already won,
oh so dear and young,
oh how I miss you son

In the dying light of a wasted life
I won't say goodbye
As you faded out I was not
looking back over my shoulder
My last look at you
won't be over my shoulder

I'm already won,
oh so dead and done,
oh how I miss you son

In the morning
I'll get up to go
and I'll leave this town
And I won't look back

I won't look back